Unless there's something on television that either gets me really angry or gives me something to masturbate to, I don't watch it. That's why I had never heard of "Jon and Kate Plus 8" until my favorite celebrity blogs started talking about it a couple of weeks ago. I still haven't actually seen it, but I enjoy the sense of adventure I get from writing about things I know nothing about.If I've been reading What Would Tyler Durden Do and The Superficial right, Kate is a big pain in the ass and Jon is fucking around. This seems to be a big deal and people might not be sleeping at night because they're too hopped up wondering who's right and who's wrong.
That's where I come in. I'm legendary for my problem solving skills, and I've decided to use my gift to better the human condition. Therefore, I will pick a side and that will resolve the issue once and for all. Maybe it will become a regular feature here at Postcards of the Hanging. If you have a problem that needs fixing, you can get me at skippystalin AT gmail.com. If you're not an asshole, I'll share my gift with you.
I'll begin by pointing out an essential scientific fact: There is a specific number of children a woman can have and still be considered sexually desirable. That number is zero. Argue all you want, just know that you're arguing with science and look every bit as foolish as those intelligent design morons.
If just one child can ruin a woman forever, imagine what eight can do. After passing eight eight pound objects through her glory hole, your average woman's genitals are going to look like they've been fed into a paper shredder. Or resemble a half-eaten ham sandwich that's been left out in the sun for a week.
If going down on your bride feels more like bobbing for apples than anything that reasonable people would recognize as a sexy time, cheating isn't just an option, it's the only option. It's in the Bible, you know. Ask Bill Clinton.
For that reason, I'm awarding the much-coveted "Skippy: Problem Solver" decision to Jon. I further judge that Kate Gosselin should be thrown in a well. At minimum, the show should be renamed "Jon and Kate Plus 9" to reflect the only real joy in Jon's life - his mistress.
Now you know. Go about your day.
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